Back in the day, she was on "Barney & Friends"
What's the line Simon Cowell so loves to use when debating a contestant's merit? Oh yeah, I remember.
It's a SINGING competition.
With three excruciating weeks of American Idol auditions in the bag, it doesn't remotely feel like one.
Instead, it's Welfare Check Idol. Breeder Idol. Terminal Disease Idol.
Andrew Garcia, I don't care if your parents moved you out of Gang Land to give you a better life. Can you sing? (In this case he can, and would have advanced, sob story or not).
Christian Spear, I'm very sorry you got leukemia when you were 4. But the fact that you hung it around your neck actually turned me off from your performance. And you're a damned good singer too. Only 16 and you can sing Etta James like that?
Chris Golightly, it sucks that you were raised in two dozen different foster homes. But you're 25 now. Get over it.
"This is not a Lifetime Movie, sweetheart... you have to have talent," said Katy Perry as Golightly finished an unimpressive audition.
Thank God someone out there understands what I'm talking about.
Still, Foster-Care Boy is going to Hollywood. It'll really suck for him when he's cut and FOX is done exploiting his "story."
This week's episodes also made me remember why Idol tends to avoid Los Angeles on the audition tour: my city is full of desperate faker actors willing to do ANYTHING for a minute on national television. Anything.
Like the scary fag in the rubberized rugby shirt who screamed his way through a Cheap Trick song.
Like Mr. Creepypants Jason Greene who huffed and puffed his way through "I Touch Myself."
Like Neil, that scary fucking dude who raided Kathy Liebert's wardrobe for his audition outfit.
Thank God for the dominatrix chick who used to be on Barney & Friends or I might have just deleted all this dreck from my DVR straight away.
"If she doesn't make it to Hollywood, there's always the pole," said Pauly. "And she lives in Dallas. She's good-looking so maybe we'll see her at the Lodge."
The only reason I'm looking forward to next week? I hear everyone's favorite hippie orphan Rose Flack makes a return appearance at the Denver auditions.